meltdown 1/?

so it has happened. i just wrapped up a fitful, tear-soaked, unproductive pity party. ive spent virtually the entire day complaining rather foolishly in jest about being jobless once again and jokingly considered making bubble tea.

what pains me the most is that this was all my fault. i could have made the most of working there. i couldve displayed at least tenfold of the enthusiasm that i did while i was there. what makes it completely infuriating is that ive lost control. i didn't have a choice.

all i can worry about now is what the future holds, setting aside the lack of extra pocket money for a hot fucking second. what if every job i take on ends up like this. sure, everyone makes mistakes, but what if it isn't just a mistake? what if this is just the beginnings of what will soon be an evident and perpetual character flaw of my inability to care enough about myself and my life to trudge through some boredom and sloth. and what if by that time, there's rent/bills/necessities i have to pay for. what then?

i might be dramatising the entire situation too much. typing on my blackberry in the dark can't be very good for the eyes..