spectral

i can't remember the last time i didn't feel
like this.
like i am a half of a half of a missing whole.

there are so many things i don't understand, yesterday the potential number twenty three came as a rude awakening. it was something like a home being ruined by a flood. even though the matter was

small

i am smaller.



today i wondered for hours if i will ever be good enough at anything.
there was a moment where my body was cold with violent shakes, things came in front of me and went away. there exists a text--there must--of the preposterous expectations of existence, of how to fulfill them with words like knives and actions like movements of animals. movements of snakes or something surreptitious.

of how to off yourself if you fail.

maybe. off myself.
maybe.