tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53717433141918197572024-03-05T18:30:34.831+08:00LAESR LYHTUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger129125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-39459358777637660362014-04-05T03:38:00.002+08:002014-04-05T03:38:22.537+08:00i would just really like to sleep<br />
for a thousand fucking yearsUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-62026917953181919042014-03-29T12:23:00.000+08:002014-03-29T12:23:00.055+08:00thingsits happening again<br />
<br />
a conspiracy of thoughts multiplied every hour every minute<br />
im scared again<br />
my hands slip off the wheel<br />
to find purchase on my chest<br />
where my heart isUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-32577124247241995652014-03-06T11:34:00.003+08:002014-03-08T03:21:57.303+08:00there's something i wanna sayi realise that no matter what point in my life i am in<br />
i'll never make _______ happy<br />
because i am _______<br />
because i am not _______ enough<br />
<br />
and that breaks my heart, it really does<br />
inadequate being<br />
unnecessary being<br />
<br />
imagine a trickle of water<br />
dammed by anti gravity<br />
holding back so hard<br />
one more drop to spill over<br />
one drop to wash away for ever<br />
and evaporate through the fall<br />
and become<br />
nothing<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-21609101971359625752014-02-17T05:52:00.000+08:002014-02-17T05:52:06.717+08:00one dayill beat this thing<br />
<br />
oh mind why won't you behave<br />
i hate it when you're like this<br />
<br />
it's been about 6 (7?) long years, a temperamental sequence of starting and stopping and being. i'm so tired of waking up with a swollen face, eyes swollen shut. i guess as much as there are people around me, the most malicious of murmurs come from within, seeping through the crevices of muscle and memory.<br />
<br />
every day i ask myself why. was i born like this? how did this start? where was my preface?<br />
<br />
why didn't anyone tell me that id be stuck at close to a decade of internalised hell..<br />
<br />
i hate myself. everything. could use a bit of saving right about now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-71888018325232743662014-01-29T03:19:00.004+08:002014-01-29T03:19:42.135+08:00quietnessi could appreciate this a little more<br />
<br />
i have had a quiet life for a long time and i've enjoyed it<br />
most of the time<br />
i just want happiness<br />
i want to buy things<br />
and see things<br />
<br />
feeling special isn't for everyoneUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-68985362168257065972014-01-04T02:58:00.001+08:002014-01-04T02:58:21.844+08:00intrusive_thoughts.mp3the storm calms<br />
torrential downpour diminuendos into a light rain<br />
so light, the sun makes the sky light<br />
<br />
my spot on the concrete is now dry<br />
my clothes are dry<br />
the sun breathes down on me like a fiercely hungry lion<br />
<br />
to suffocate<br />
to drown<br />
nary a big difference<br />
<br />
yesterday i had a dream<br />
and in the dream<br />
i cried because nothing had changed<br />
<br />
i'm scared yet i am bold enough to take a step forward and another and another and another<br />
<br />
it's been a long time since i've felt this energy<br />
the persistent grating energy bursting from just below my skin<br />
'keep going,' it says, pertinent and intrusive and agitated<br />
<br />
it still feels like the tempest is brewing<br />
at the bottom of my teacupUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-68370771191162814992013-10-01T02:53:00.004+08:002013-10-01T02:53:43.968+08:00strange(r)deposited and withdrawn<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
statement i<br /><div>
<br /></div>
<div>
how do i overcome this</div>
<div>
why is this happening</div>
<div>
could we be happy</div>
<div>
daddy help me. please.</div>
<div>
i'm sorry</div>
<div>
we'll get better i am strong</div>
<div>
i am so weak</div>
<div>
i don't want to cry anymore</div>
<div>
i don't care</div>
<div>
fuck this shit</div>
<div>
i'm so excited!</div>
<div>
why is this happening again</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
statement ii</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
you're so interesting</div>
<div>
your laugh is so nice</div>
<div>
you're so nice</div>
<div>
who are you</div>
<div>
when will i see you again</div>
<div>
why do you exist</div>
<div>
fucking bitch</div>
<div>
whats your story</div>
<div>
i wish i knew who you were</div>
<div>
i want to know you so bad</div>
<div>
thank you</div>
<div>
i hate you </div>
<div>
i wonder if we'll ever cross paths outside of this</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
statement iii</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
what have i done wrong</div>
<div>
not again</div>
<div>
i don't know what i'm doing</div>
<div>
okay</div>
<div>
okay sure</div>
<div>
fuck you</div>
<div>
please stop talking</div>
<div>
things are so much better when you're not around</div>
<div>
i need support</div>
<div>
i wish i could just slide by</div>
<div>
sorry to disappoint, but</div>
<div>
okay</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-52448092120823176942013-08-27T20:25:00.001+08:002013-08-27T20:25:46.455+08:00the corners of your mouth the new scale of the hopelessness quotient. now your lips point distinctly downward and there are hot red tears in your eyes.<br />
<br />
ive never felt this helpless. nobody i can help, not you or me or you or anyone.<br />
<br />
i wish someone would understand, because i don't.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-72357364482476238762013-05-31T04:07:00.001+08:002013-05-31T04:09:17.547+08:00i would like very much<br />
to have a beautiful life<br />
even if<br />
that life were a fallacy<br />
<br />
i would be silenced<br />
by the simplest question<br />
'what makes you happy'<br />
<br />
???? Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-19303956777005164472013-03-06T01:59:00.001+08:002013-03-06T02:01:43.257+08:00simple calculationsi just want to divide myself into the smallest denominator / so small i cannot be seen / so small between crumpled sheets of paper / between tears and paranoia and breathlessness / i want to keep trying / but / i never want to try again<br />
<br />
fix me fix me fix me fix me i am a thousand tiny pieces<br />
<br />
why am i this way<br />
what will i ever become<br />
i am a monster already<br />
<br />
i can already see my hornsUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-67077436520741018582013-02-23T01:40:00.001+08:002013-02-23T01:40:58.817+08:00things get so crazypeople dont really know you<br />
and they obviously dont, wouldnt understand<br />
not for a minute<br />
<br />
some minutes neither do i<br />
<br />
my life is a fucking travestyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-4156452889006547842013-02-15T14:43:00.002+08:002013-02-15T14:43:29.040+08:00compile<img src="http://i46.tinypic.com/24b9ac9.jpg" width="285"> <img src="http://i49.tinypic.com/i3co6o.jpg" width="285"> <img src="http://i45.tinypic.com/10cta4i.jpg" width="285">
<p>
so a real update. i am working what sounds like my perfect job but what seems like a truly horrifying nightmare. not that the job description is scary. hardly that. but that day to day i am faced with the painful reflection of my own failure and incompetence. <br> for some reason my problems seem so large to me. <br><br>it seems every time i look backward i see trivial things. <br>i look forward and i see mountainsides to scale.<br>perhaps i need an accounts person<br>someone to file me away and section me and categorically embalm the history of my pitfalls.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-19383376727849039162013-02-14T16:59:00.001+08:002013-02-14T16:59:36.979+08:00anatonomolywhy does the same feeling feel new everytime when i know this feeling, i know it so well i could illustrate the tasting notes in colours.<br />
<br />
like charcoal and brown and ecstasy and despair. <br />
<br />
i miss being void.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-14005252223803357662013-02-13T02:15:00.000+08:002013-02-14T16:57:13.311+08:00maso conjunctivitisso many things have happened that the spatial allocations and time allocations seem juxtaposed. i get the feeling this is the tendency of young life; the value of time is overlooked in favour of the value of experience. there seems a wasteland of years in my past unaccounted for. time and time and time again i ask myself, 'what have you been doing with this life'. at this moment i cannot say the answer because it simply does not come to me. <br />
<br />
but i am sure it will.<br />
<br />
i feel strongly that at some moment in time ahead i will know this answer and it is my sincerest and bravest hope that it will be good. <br />
<br />
tonight is another night where i believe i will lie awake wondering. <br />
i wonder all the time about shit i don't care about. and i wonder what i care about.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-49394911900949040552013-02-06T18:57:00.001+08:002013-02-08T14:30:32.759+08:00happiness is a body on my shoulderi learnt something valuable today, and that is that you will only be disappointed when you set yourself up for disappointment<br />
<br />
i learnt again that my actions were correct, and that intrinsically in this state i could not possibly be happier<br />
<br />
there have been so many things ive let go of and they were all dead weights and i am so happy i could die<br />
<br />
and i also want to know how happy i will be in a while<br />
<br />
ecstatic, i think<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<img src="http://i45.tinypic.com/6eqc09.jpg" width="870">Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-46152350121574722672013-01-31T09:27:00.003+08:002013-01-31T09:27:26.182+08:00<br />
In vain you search amid the dust,<br />
poor hand: dead is the city.<br />
Dead: the last rumble was heard<br />
in the heart of the Naviglio. And the nightingale<br />
has fallen from the aerial, high on the convent,<br />
w h e re it was singing before sunset.<br />
Do not dig wells in the court y a rd s :<br />
the living are no longer thirsty.<br />
Do not touch the dead, so red, so swollen:<br />
leave them in the earth of their homes:<br />
dead is the city, dead.<br />
<br />
pg 12, la pavoni it monograph<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-12361807129785717752013-01-28T02:17:00.001+08:002013-01-28T02:17:30.171+08:00timeline of a perishablei miss before <br />
<br />
so tired of this pain<br />
this burning<br />
this bad taste in my throatUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-87303501788487600322013-01-24T12:11:00.001+08:002013-01-24T12:11:13.227+08:00what u dowhat you do to me<br />
oh life<br />
why have you done to me<br />
oh life<br />
what you have done? <br />
<br />
have mercy<br />
just a trickle<br />
a drop<br />
just a whiff of it<br />
i beg you I beg <br />
<br />
what am i to say Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-4089364418687688252013-01-21T02:07:00.001+08:002013-01-21T02:07:13.140+08:00run from this run from thati would like to be incarcerated<br />
between two cars<br />
and i don't want<br />
<br />
some namby pamby brush<br />
<br />
i would like a full on collision<br />
hear the sound of bent metal<br />
of sparks and the groan of engines<br />
<br />
i would like to know<br />
exactly<br />
what that feels likeUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-43160102287095338062013-01-16T23:08:00.001+08:002013-01-16T23:08:18.953+08:00dipshit sonneti thought i knew what it took<br />
but my hand sucks<br />
letting my guard down never did me any good<br />
<br />
but a dark dreamscape covers my eyes <br />
every time<br />
comforting darkness<br />
soft<br />
and whispers sweetly, "it's gonna be okay"<br />
<br />
a car on fire<br />
a person on fire<br />
but the light is concealed so perfectly<br />
<br />
i cant see a thing<br />
<br />
the truth is<br />
i was blind by birth <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWWhOM2_nYe-YdHB2KSySeLgM-wTukwBq10Cvo478W3MasT-AjY9yuSW-wg4L6_yW5CT3epCvBC-p-GIJ_UiYsgu0Pj5Di75ePw5b8ckdcwYCj53r9OMKU-N0jbZnEqHwU0pNG7XbFwQ/s640/blogger-image-1037099626.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWWhOM2_nYe-YdHB2KSySeLgM-wTukwBq10Cvo478W3MasT-AjY9yuSW-wg4L6_yW5CT3epCvBC-p-GIJ_UiYsgu0Pj5Di75ePw5b8ckdcwYCj53r9OMKU-N0jbZnEqHwU0pNG7XbFwQ/s640/blogger-image-1037099626.jpg" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-10456017937543579332013-01-15T03:23:00.001+08:002013-01-15T03:23:45.829+08:00spectrali can't remember the last time i didn't feel<br />
like this. <br />
like i am a half of a half of a missing whole.<br />
<br />
there are so many things i don't understand, yesterday the potential number twenty three came as a rude awakening. it was something like a home being ruined by a flood. even though the matter was<br />
<br />
small<br />
<br />
i am smaller. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
today i wondered for hours if i will ever be good enough at anything. <br />
there was a moment where my body was cold with violent shakes, things came in front of me and went away. there exists a text--there must--of the preposterous expectations of existence, of how to fulfill them with words like knives and actions like movements of animals. movements of snakes or something surreptitious.<br />
<br />
of how to off yourself if you fail. <br />
<br />
maybe. off myself. <br />
maybe.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-89254606850218186472012-05-09T10:50:00.000+08:002012-05-09T10:52:16.759+08:00well i'd neverinsensitive. selfish. irresponsible.<br />
irresponsible.<br />
lousy?<br />
fucked.<br />
<br />
this is not what i imagined for myself.<br />
thursday's the big move; the big migration back to siberian waters.<br />
you don't know how i feel. and honestly, neither do i.<br />
if i still believed in god i would be on my knees in fervent prayer.<br />
i would say, "please help me, i would do absolutely anything for some fucking help."<br />
all i can stand to believe in is being unfortunate.<br />
largely, all i manage is to fold into myself.<br />
fold.<br />
fold.<br />
fold again.<br />
until there are a thousand layers of myself, each more delicate and dark and blistering than the next.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-82954648478830548442012-04-09T22:50:00.003+08:002012-04-09T22:53:20.296+08:00so easyit is so easy to forget. <br />when you have chewed something for this long, not thinking about it makes it feel like its not there.<br />it is so tragically simple how quick i forget.<br /><br />when i do think about it i start to shake until every compartment in me is shaken open.<br />inside each compartment is a distinct, unpalatable flavour.<br />it feels like i miss you, but i cannot <span style="font-style:italic;">truly</span> forget. <br />we've been through so much together. <br />how does it feel to be alone?<br />when should i go home?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-45496597438384147942012-03-23T12:48:00.001+08:002012-03-23T12:49:41.738+08:00said thingsshe floated in and spoke to me about colours.<br />and she spoke to me about how disturbed she was.<br /><br />and she said, "i'm not crazy, not if i eat fish, right?"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5371743314191819757.post-75451730876510656692012-02-24T01:51:00.004+08:002012-02-24T02:11:59.919+08:00stills<img src="http://i42.tinypic.com/23ll2mf.jpg" width="870"><br /><img src="http://i43.tinypic.com/153nvuw.jpg" width="870"><br /><img src="http://i40.tinypic.com/21lli6f.jpg" width="870"><br />february has been a oneric month. some parts have made me deliriously happy, but most of my minutes have been spent in a nightmarish cold sweat.<br /><br />the other day i thought i might die. still my body remains defiantly alive.<br /><br />how long will you lie there so speechless? <br />you are worrysome, but the longer you take to snap out of it, <br />the less i tend to care. <br /><br />sometimes i'm just afraid of you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0